Four was the perfect age for me. Life was really, really good. I was still innocent, had my best friend, didn't have to go to school yet, and everything was perfect.
I hadn't learned that sometimes mommies do something "bad" with other guys and that you're not supposed to tell daddy. I hadn't discovered how cruel other children could be yet. I hadn't been molested yet. And I most certainly hadn't learned about heartbreak yet.
I wasn't afraid of the world or the people in it yet. I was not shy, yet. I was very outgoing, rambunctious, full of life.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder what kind of person I would have become if my life had taken different turns at certain points in my life.
What if I never caught my mom with my dad's brother? I wouldn't have had to live with the guilt that I was responsible for putting a man behind bars for so long. Of course, when I grew older, I realized that if my uncle hadn't robbed that store in Florida and hurt those people, and if he hadn't fled to his brother's home in the Pacific North West, and if he hadn't slept with his brother's wife.... And if my mother hadn't decided to sleep with her husband's brother right around the time of day when I was due home from my first day of school... I still don't blame my dad for calling the authorities and turning his brother in as punishment for what he did. I probably would have done the same thing. But, if that hadn't been placed on me at such a young age, I wouldn't have carried that guilt around for as long as I did. I probably would have been a different person.
What if I were never molested? Christmas would have remained a wonderful, magical day for me, and never would have become the nightmare that I hid for 20+ years. I would have maintained my innocence for a while longer. I wouldn't have had that "secret" that I had to keep to myself because the other kids "wouldn't understand". I wouldn't have developed the opinion on sex and physical contact with other people that would later come to destroy so many relationships. I probably would have been a different person.
What if I didn't have to sneak out of the house to run away with my mom when she tried to leave my dad. What if I never had to deal with the pain of not understanding why my mom was making me hide behind dumpsters and keep my voice low so he wouldn't see us sneaking away? If I never had to witness the fights, the yelling, the threats? Maybe I would have developed a healthier view of relationships. Maybe I would have understood what a good, solid, strong relationship was supposed to be like. Maybe I would have understood love a little better. Maybe I would have been able to recognize an abusive, controlling, jealous man a lot sooner than 4 years and 2 kids into a bad marriage. I probably would have been a different person.
What kind of person would I have turned into if my life was "normal"? What would I be like if I didn't have all these experiences? Who would I be right now if I didn't have all this pain and all these dark memories plaguing my past? Would I be a successful woman now? Would I have married someone nice? Would I have waited longer to have sex? Would I have children now? And if so, how many? Would I be living "the dream" right now? I would probably be a different person.
Whoever that other person is out there, I envy her for not having to fight the nightmares. I envy her for not having to constantly reminder herself "It's not your fault. None of it was your fault." I am jealous that she never has to pretend to be "normal". She's probably never had to hold a crying child and try to explain death and why it means daddy isn't coming home anymore. She's probably never understood the absolute pain that comes with you have to rip your heart out of your chest so you can explain to a child that daddy walked out and why he doesn't want to see her anymore. She's definitely a different person than I am.
Then again, she probably wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. She would probably stumble over some small problem, whereas I can look at the impossible and say "that's easy!" She probably wouldn't have half the faith I have built up. She more than likely wouldn't know in the slightest how to have a truly close relationship with her children. She definitely wouldn't have the children I have today!! She wouldn't have the courage to face the coming days without a partner. The uncertainty of the future would probably terrify her.
Yes, I wonder what kind of person I would be if things had been different. But thankfully I also have the wisdom to know that I am right where I am meant to be, that every moment in my life has led to this one right here, right now, and will lead me further into the future where I will see my children succeed in the areas where I failed. And you know what? That is worth every single tear shed, every single stumble, and worth every last failure in my life. My children absolutely make every bad moment seem so insignificant when compared to the triumph that is their lives.
So yes, my husband may be leaving me tomorrow, he may be just another man to show that he's not nearly strong enough to handle this family. He may have tried to show us that we're just not worth the effort, but really, he just showed me even more that we're worth every single struggle and anyone who doesn't have the ability to see us as that shining achievement in this fight called life, simply is no longer worth our time.
So go ahead UH, walk out that door. You're only making room for someone who WILL give us their all. Hope you have a good flight.
Sincerely,
Teh Best Mom Evah!!!
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